The Silent Killer
This blog entry is contributed by our oldest child — a PK who has been hurt by the ministry. Many of you will relate.
The Silent Killer
When I was 15 the church that my parents moved to Boise to pastor made a decision to merge congregations with another local body. It seemed to be mutually beneficial to fuse our congregations together under one roof and my parents were certain that the Lord had placed the idea on their hearts in order to unify our parishioners. Unfortunately, the merge did not last and so began an extremely painful journey through the land of church politics. Many people left both congregations and deserted the pastors and families they said they loved and supported. Lies were spread, gossip abounded, friendships were betrayed, even a law suit was filed! My parent’s reputation was tarnished and my father, many years later, gracefully stepped away from his original credentials even as leadership in the credentialing body continued to be dishonest about how events unfolded.
Do not hate your brother in your heart…
I was devastated by the spiritual carnage left in the wake of those who abandoned our church. I had never witnessed people who claimed to be Christians treat others the way my family was treated. Slowly, over the following years, more people’s feelings were hurt and more left for one reason or another and it all colored my view of the local church. If there is such a thing as tar-colored glasses as opposed to rose-colored glasses, then I wore them consistently as I transitioned to adulthood. The culmination of wounds left me a very broken and angry person but because every wound took place over years and for various reasons, I never really tied my anger back to a single starting point. Instead, I was angry at everyone all the time. Any time something was misunderstood, a complaint was spread around, or a church member started a fight over something as silly as a pew or a glass vase, I seethed with resentment; bracing myself for the inevitable fallout.
James 1:19-20
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires…
It wasn’t until I returned home for the holidays last year that I began to piece together the common thread that ran through seemingly random hurts: I was an unforgiving person. The culprit was not a person or entity or ideal that I had been hurt by. No, the scars I proudly displayed were formed out of my own bitterness and hate. Then I found out in early July that I would be returning home to Boise for my grandfather’s funeral and the funeral was going to be held in the church building that the merge and split occurred in. Many people directly involved with the split were going to be attending the funeral and I was going to have to face my demons. Suddenly I had a choice to make. I could return home with all my walls up taking every look and every word as a reason to feed my anger or I could finally release my resentment and let it be buried too.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you…
I won’t tell you that it was easy. I am a very nostalgic person and it hurt to walk the hallways of that church building again. I saw a lot of faces that at one time I never cared to see again. I had to make a conscious decision to accept people’s words for what they were and not conjure up what they might have meant underneath. I had to purposefully let things roll off me lest I make a big deal out of something that could be kept simple. By the time I left town after several days later I felt like a piece of me had been left behind…a piece that I didn’t care to pack around with me anymore despite how familiar it had become.
Proverbs 19:11
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense…
Now several weeks later I find that I have quietly forgiven many hurts left in the wake of people simply being people. I have also come to see that while I laid to rest much of my anger in Boise, I am not destined to live out the rest of my life in a void of emotion. I will always have an opportunity to choose not to take up an offense or choose to love in spite of hurtful words and actions. People make mistakes, they misunderstand and jump to conclusions. Sometimes out of their own wounds they maliciously attack if only to make themselves feel better. Either way, the silent killer of joy is not worth keeping around simply to justify how you’ve been hurt. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can make yourself feel victimized. Do not choose this path. Instead, choose to live out God’s love victoriously.
Ephesians 4:26 (New Living)
And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry…
reading this.., I see that I am not the only one that has gone through this, many other Pks have gone through this. ts a hard thing to see the people your parents have helped and loved like there own children abandon them, and hurt them, or slander them. I have realized being in ministry these are the things Pastors know there up against, but as there children we sometimes did not ask for this and our parents are not just only our pastors but our parents and its out of our own human nature to get hurt and it does effect us.
I have held anger and bitterness and even unforgiveness, But God dealt with me many times. I had to learn not to take it personal. I pray everyday for God to keep my heart pure. As Pks we have to stay in prayer and look to God and know that he is our defender and we need not to defend our parents or ourselves. Thanks for sharing this Blog.
This is an awesome blog about church hurt. I am so glad you shared how it impacts not just adults, but our youth. People need to open their eyes and see that “adult situations” don’t just impact adults. It has given me some sense of what my children (all PK’s) must have dealt with as my husband and I worked in the youth ministry while they were growing up. The awesome part is seeing how God is faithful to us, to teach us His way and redeem us to show others His loving grace. You are an awesome testimony. Continue to keep the faith…
When I married my husband and became a Pastor’s wife and later a Pastor myself, the veiw of the “underbelly” of the Church was seen. People who are supposed to be followers of Christ and seeking to take on the character and nature of Christ…were anything but that.
As much as I am totally in love with God, what I see in the power plays, controlling PPR committees etc., makes me wonder if the Church has fallen beyound repair. If the Shepherd is not permitted to lead the sheep…where do we stand? When the sheep lead the Sheperd around by the nose…all Godly spiritual leadership is bankrupt. The whole thing makes me sick.
Wow, this really hit home. Thanks for sharing your story. I am currently married to a pastor and hating every second of the ministry life. I’ve been hurt by the deceit of leadership and my family being treated like “the red headed step child” of the church “family.” While our situation is not nearly as severe as yours was, there are other factors making it particularly difficult (making major sacrifices for a place that we don’t fit into, frustrated by total lack of vision and strategy, let alone the inability to execute a vision or strategy, tired of being “That 70s Church.”) All of those things combined with leadership that is dishonest and does not value our work has brought me to a place of readiness to embrace my hate and bitterness toward these leaders and being willing to contribute nothing to the greater church. We know that it’s time to leave this situation, but my husband doesn’t feel ready to leave ministry all together and there are very few ministry positions available to apply for. Feel like I’m drowning. Any suggestions anyone?
Kelly – My husband and I left a church much like this one 4 years ago. We had been there for 17 years. He never wanted to leave too soon nor did he want to stay too long. When we knew it was time to leave he resigned with no other prospect in the offering.
The way we came to grips with all that had gone on was by continuing to spend much time in prayer, first for our own attitudes towards the people of the church and second for the hearts of the people. They contiue to struggle even today and we continue to pray for them.
I had to come to grips with this part of the “pastor’s home” at an early age. I am also a PK. At 17 I had to decide whether to greet a lady who was responsible for running my dad out of a church or to walk by her with contempt in my heart. I remember at that moment saying, “Lord, she is yours. I cannot go through life angry and bitter. Help me forgive and greet her.” This was being said as she reached out and hugged me. She had no idea I knew all that had gone on. I have been free from the bitterness for years.
The best thing you can do is let it at HIS feet. He will deal with those people in His way at His time. God never promised the “ministry” to be easy and free from hurt. I often remind myself of what Paul experienced and what our Lord and Savior experienced.
Don’t harbor the hurt and disappointment. I’m not saying it is easy. I still have moments when I can’t trust or wonder if there is something underlying in what someone has said or done. I have a hard time opening up to people. I don’t want the hurt and I don’t want to see my husband hurt. The best I can say is, bathe yourself in the Word of God, spend time on your knees with your head burried in the sofa or chair (it blocks out the things around you), ask the Lord to heal the hurt and give you a heart of compassion once again.
When God calls a man and his wife (I believe it is a dual calling-the wife as the perfect helpmate) God also gives all that is needed to go through the hard times. One thing to remember, it is God’s church not yours or your husbands. God will deal with those people in His own way. Just make sure there is “nothing betwen you and your Savior” that he will need to deal with when you stand before Him. It is pretty awesome to realize that “I too will answer to the Lord for how I handled the situations He allowed me to go through.”
Praying that you will have a renewed vision for the work God has called your husband to and you as his greatest supporter.
I was blessed by this post. Thank you for sharing!
Wow, I am a pastor’s wife, and our merge several years ago went exactly the same as yours. Our kids have paid a price, I am sorry to say. Thanks for sharing, and God bless.
What can I say? You are a blessing! Thanks for sharing this because it is real. My family is a witness.